Meet Robert E. Murray, your Republican shithead of the day:
The day after Barack Obama won his re-election bid, the chief executive of Murray Energy, Robert E. Murray, gathered his staff and began to read a prayer. He asked God to forgive America for its choice of president, and he prayed for “guidance in this drastic time with the drastic decisions that will be made to have any hope of our survival as an American business enterprise.” He closed with a heartfelt “amen.”
Then he fired 156 people.
Class warfare is real. Just remember who started it.
Just in case you were getting too excited about four more years.
Just in case you were getting too excited about four more years.
For Kanye. #election #gethervoteout #politics (at Clarksville Cumberland Presbyterian Church)
VOTE FOR WHOEVER YOU WANT
Here we are. After years—fucking years—of campaigning, spin, narrative, counter-spin, ads, interviews, news cycles, primaries, debates, speeches, pressers, PACs, think pieces, tweets, conventions, scandals, fundraising dinners, and rallies, the election is happening. We finally get to VOTE, guys! For president! All that’s left is to actually, physically, select the candidate we’re voting for. Most of you have already decided whether to vote for Barack Obama or Mitt Romney through careful deliberation or a deep, instinctive hatred of the guy you don’t want in the Oval Office—or you’re so disgusted with both candidates that you’re going with some other dude out of sheer frustration.
But your options aren’t limited to Obama, Romney, and the most prominent third-party candidates. You aren’t even limited to the long list of people officially running for president (some of whom have endearingly amateur websites). There’s a line on the ballot where you can write down the name of whoever, or whatever, you want to be president. People take advantage of it too: In 2008, over 100,000 folks chose to exercise their franchise by picking “none of the above” and wrote in votes for Donald Duck, Vermin Supreme, Jesus, and Bill Clinton, among others. Why not join them this time around? After all, being one of the millions of people who vote for Obama or Romney will not change anything or have any effect on the election, whereas being the only person to vote for “Poop Comes Out Of My Butthole Haha” will at least make a poor, overworked ballot counter smile. Here are some options if you aren’t satisfied with the Democrats, Republicans, Greens, Libertarians, and Poop Comes Out Of My Butthole Haha:
Hillary Clinton
Remember when Hillary ran for president in 2008 and lost out to Obama? Well, some people are still really, really pissed about that. PUMAs (“Party Unity My Ass”) are a loose group of people who are so pro-Hillary and anti-Obama that they’ll either vote for Romney or write in “Hillary Clinton” on their ballots in the manner of a lovesick tween writing the names of the guys in One Direction all over her homework. These former Democrats not only won’t ever vote for Obama, they’ll also start rumors that he’s gay. Join their movement on Election Day!Ron Paul
You know who is also not running for president? Ron Paul. He was in the Republican primaries, then dropped out. Now, if you want to cast your ballot for an anti-government, anti-war, pro-marijuana legalization candidate, you still can—there’s always Gary Johnson, the guy running on the Libertarian Party ticket. But what if you want to vote for a candidate who has those policies but also has a history of publishing a racist newsletter? Well, you’ll have no other option than writing Ron Paul’s name on the ballot. You gotta stay true to your principles.Rand Paul
OK, but what about people who want to vote for someone with the Paul name, but think that casting a write-in ballot for Ron, a guy who at one point ran for president, is just too “lamestream”? Those folks are going to have to go with Rand Paul, Ron’s son, who supports some of his dad’s policies and looks like a guy who could be president, not a leprechaun. Rand is going to get at least one vote—Daniel McCarthy, the editor of The American Conservative, who wants to send a message to the GOP with his vote. I’m sure the party will be paying attention to everyone who receives write-in votes, but even if they somehow choose to ignore Dan’s vote, Rand’s running in 2016 anyway. He’s already in Iowa.Cory Booker
The Newark, New Jersey, mayor probably needs to run for governor before he runs for president, but it’s only a matter of time. He’s charismatic, he uses Twitter to interact with his constituents directly (he even recently took the time to give some inspiration to a user named @DAT_NIGGA_REEE), and is basically a character from a not-entirely-believable TV drama—he let people stay at his house during hurricane Sandy, and he fucking saved a woman from a burning building. How do you run against a guy like that? Might as well get used to voting for him, America.
in case you haven’t heard, I’m voting for Kanye.
This is from a real political advertisement.
The funny part is that it’s an advertisement against Matt Varilek.
I think it’s pretty clear that his opponent is the one who doesn’t understand real, American values.
A true hero among men.
Joss Whedon For Romney (Sort Of) of the Day: The Avengers director’s endorsement of “Zomney” is a bit unconventional:
Like a lot of liberal Americans, I was excited when Barack Obama took office four years ago. But it’s a very different world now. And Mitt Romney is a very different candidate, one with the vision and determination to cut through businesses’ usual politics and finally put this country back on the path to the zombie apocalypse.
Romney is ready to make the deep rollbacks in health care, education, social services, reproductive rights, that will guarantee poverty, unemployment, overpopulation, disease, rioting, all crucial elements in creating a nightmare zombie wasteland. …
Let’s all embrace the future. Stop pretending we care about each other, and start hoarding canned goods. Because if Mitt takes office, sooner or later the zombies will come for all of us.[nydn]
<3 Joss.
This is why we can’t have nice things.
(via bohemianarthouse)
Kansas City Shuffle;
Say an election is coming and your strongest candidate is fairly weak. What do you do? You make everyone look one way, while you hit somewhere else. In the lead-up to the election, you present a bunch of absolutely terrible candidates. You get the insane human equivalents of piles of shit and parade them around loudly. Everyone goes mental. Your supporters, your critics, the media has a frenzy. These scarecrows that you’ve put up run around shouting “Ban porn!” and “God told me to run in this election” and other attention grabbing nonsense. Meanwhile, while everyone’s looking that way, you let your boy slowly stride forward.
By the time he’s the only man left he’ll look pretty damn great. He will have been the ‘strongest’ contender by default, but the considerable gap between him and the people he was running against will seem like it speaks volumes about his ability, rather than theirs. In a bar where all of the guys are drunk and ugly, you just might let the average looking guy take you home.
So here stands Mitt Romney. He’ll be running against Obama.
And all I’m seeing on Tumblr is leftover frenzy for the other guys. Jokes about Michelle Bachmann’s eyes. Santorum quotes. Cain’s sex scandals. Think about it; Compared to this buzz, how much negative Romney do you see? How much positive Obama? Because the ratio is like ten to one from where I’m sitting. But if Romney is president you’re not going to remember them. You’re going to be too busy wondering what happened to reminisce.
i hope rick santorum is walking down the street and someone is walking the opposite way towards him and they both try to go around eachother the same direction and end up both looking like complete tools to all the cars driving by
I hope Rick Santorum orders a pizza and expects the pizza to be the best he’s ever eaten, but it is a very mediocre pizza and it ruins his day.
I hope Rick Santorum gets a burrito and it’s in terrible layers from top to bottom.
I hope someone hacks into Rick Santorum’s Facebook account and posts “I like men”.
I hope Rick Santorum tries to go into the subway expecting to refill his MetroCard with a five dollar bill but all of the machines say “No Bills Accepted” and he has to walk to where he wants to go
i hope rick santorum goes to rip out a piece of paper from a notebook and it rips right in half
i hope santorum asks someone to pick him up a bottle of irish whiskey at the liquor store, but instead they get him canadian whiskey by mistake. (this happened to me once and i never recovered.)
I hope Rick Santorum logs into Netflix and finds his queue out of order.
I hope Rick Santorum orders a latte with no foam and then picks up someone else’s cappuccino by mistake but the line is really long and the barista can’t hear him when he says his drink is wrong so he’s forced to start his day off foamily.
The next time I interview for a job, I'm going to try the Ron Paul approach
- Interviewer: What interests you about our company?
- Me: I hate it and think it should be dismantled.
- Interviewer: What are your primary qualifications for the job?
- Me: I would systematically destroy your company.
- Interviewer: Why do you want to destroy our company?
- Me: Your company has a successful and diverse market line and a global presence. But when it was incorporated, the founders had envisioned a little mom and pop operation. I think we need to return to their vision.
Now, the founders of libertarianism - Nozick et. al. - obviously understood the principle that freedoms are often mutually exclusive - that my freedom to punch you in the face curtails quite a number of your freedoms. For this reason, they endorsed “minarchy,” or a government whose only role is to protect people from violence and protect property rights. But they didn’t extend the principle to covertly violent, semi-violent, or nonviolent forms of coercion.
Not surprisingly, this gigantic loophole has made modern American libertarianism the favorite philosophy of a vast array of local bullies, who want to keep the big bully (government) off their backs so they can bully to their hearts’ content. The curtailment of government legitimacy, in the name of “liberty,” allows abusive bosses to abuse workers, racists to curtail opportunities for minorities, polluters to pollute without cost, religious groups to make religious minorities feel excluded, etc. In theory, libertarianism is about the freedom of the individual, but in practice it is often about the freedom of local bullies to bully. It’s a “don’t tattle to the teacher” ideology.
— Noahpinion, “The Liberty of Local Bullies” (via recoveringhipster)American exceptionalism is lies and nonsense.
You can’t reassert the Constitution by shitting all over it like Newt Gingrich seems to want to.
And, yes, I want this country to become a secular, European sort of socialist society. The western European socialist countries outperform the United States in nearly every measure of a healthy society—education, healthcare, and so on.
Why wouldn’t people want that except for the fact that we have a culture that glorifies greed and selfishness at the expense of our fellow humans? People in the United States should be appalled at the actions of the rich and powerful in our country; instead, most people nurture the not-so-secret hope that, one day, they too can exploit others in order to make their fortune.
(via greaterthanlapsed)
(via existentialcrisisfactory)
